My sweetie makes me super happy when I look into his eyes.

When I Look Into My Lover's Eyes June 04 2007

note: in Mandarin Chinese, "lover" is a generic term that refers to the current partner one is with, and as we know Chinese are not into having "lovers" the way French is. Although ideally our Chinese lover of connection and trust is also the French lover of passion and desire.

It's early in the morning when I woke up to feeling content. Not a big, ecstatic moment of discovery and burst of emotion, nothing like the way one would scream winning the lottery or right before a trip around the world. It's a small moment of joy and peacefulness, of knowing that there is a place for my physical body to cuddle up next to in this world, that there is a bed with a man in a certain building not so far away that welcomes my arrival.

My lover's arms are warm in the morning, as cold air breeze through outside the sheets, and birds chirp away at sunlight and summer flowers. I like looking into my lover's eyes, without words they communicate a sense of safety and care. He is a being who talks to me, listens to me and opens his heart to welcome me into his life. These are precious things we do for one another as human, as we choose to share part of ourselves, choose to open not only our home but our hearts as well.

When I look deep into my lover's eyes I remind myself that each day is unique and precious. I ask myself what I'd do and say, how I'd feel if this is the last month I have in this lifetime with my lover. I am once again reminded to be open and fearless, as I breathe to become grounded, to be fully present. So I can give and receive, see this being with beautiful eyes who is right here, right in front of me and looking at me.

When I look into my lovers eyes, sometimes I am overwhelmed beyond words by the sheer wonder
of being exposed yet safe, of being connected yet independent, of being asked to drift along in the river of life and its many turns, yet it feels perfectly okay to be out of control and walk this path that leads to an unknown place of adventure. Sometimes I cry because I am struck by the sheer power of my emotions, by my heart’s new potential to be so open and receptive to the world at any given moment.

When I look into my lover's eyes, I am reminded that my lover is open to meeting me and being with me. At this very moment, my lover is with me and in silence, his eyes tells me that he’s here for me.

(nothing happened to me, this essay is the result of a late night conversation with a girlfriend, I just want to do the idea justice)
All right, I will step on my soapbox and state some of my highly controversial views. You are not required to agree with me but these are my views, and I am expressing them because I am loud and opinionated. Now, whether what I said should be taken to be reflective of what woman think is for you to decide. Personally, I am only speaking for myself here, that I hate if a date refers to me as a "friend."

Hear me out. It's entirely different if two people agreed to be "friends first" and things are kept at a very platonic level, with physical messing around etc. Friendship is not a hole to hide in while you avoid commitment and string someone along, that's evil. If two people are indeed friends, and hoping to be only that before going further, I have no problem that they refer to it in a way that accurately represent the situation.

As for what else to say during the ambiguous time before two people become boyfriend girlfriend, and sparks are flying, what is wrong with "we are dating" or "we are getting to know each other"? Else just use names, it's not the lack of definition that angers me, it's the holding back, unwillingness to be open about the possibility of there being more that really worries me. What's this dating someone and telling the world that this person is just a "friend?" If we agree that nothing is official yet, why is there this attempt to hide the fact that applicants are being interviewed and considered? Must we be this unwilling to be honest and at least say, yes I am dating and I am not sure yet. If someone cannot even trust their own friends and come clean about dating me, how can I trust that they will be honest about other people they are also considering?

Friends, to me, are the people in our lives whom as much as there might be romantic interest, there is no romantic intention to see if anything romantic can develope. By calling someone a friend we are communicating to the world that we hold no romantic intention with this person, I don't know about you but I am unwilling to accept someone I am flirting heavily with communicating about our connection in a false and misleading way. Again, only appropriet if two people are not dating but really committing to a friendship. Friendship means we like each other and we'll keep in touch, friendship doesn't mean, if I find out next week we cannot really be married I won't call you anymore. It's insulting to friendship to call your temporary liason that way, because friendship imply a deep connection with someone, it's saying, I found you among thousands in the ocean of faces, and I promise that you will be in my life and I will share in yours. I personally have no intension of cheapening my friends. Friendship is a different long-term position in one's life, and it's not quite correct to inform your romantic partnership applicants that they are being offered a long term spot.

people who you only know shortly are acquintances, they can be introduced by name. Please, no abusing friend. Saying someone is my friend is a form of endorsement, it's not something I give away easily.

Maybe I need to be more understanding, but I see it as people hiding behind "friends" because it's the easy way to cope, because deep down they are scared as shit to be open and vulnerable, they are unable to commit to the possibility of a lasting romantic connection with another person, or maybe they just knew at some deep level, this person isn't it. It's a subtle attemt to push another person away, and it hurts because it's a gentle way of hinting to the other person that it is probably not going to work out.

When two people want to be with each other, there isn't this game, this attempt to keep each other at arms length. In the ideal vision of two souls uniting, there is only pleading for the sun to rise sooner and moon to shine softer. When hearts are open and connected there is no need to diffuse the truth of what's taking place. When we know that we yearn for the companion and presence of a particular human being in that special way, we call our friends--we don't call that person a friend.

so I saw Miss Saigon with others at "Broadway by the bay" because I have always wanted to see it, we opted for the $15 cheapo tickets since a few people in the group aren't huge musical buff in any sense. so scuffles.

I liked it a lot, it's quite nice, but at the same time I think about how I felt bad for the lead character, she is so set on the thought of her husband coming back to her despite the circumstance, it's heart breaking to watch.

in the end I ponder the balance point between faith and knowing when to exit a situation.

There are moments that I lost myself in time and space. Split seconds
right after I open my eyes to the first ray of sunlight, I forget
which city I am waking up in and who I am ready to see.

It could be anywhere in the world really. Apple blossoms look just
like cherry from afar, and that hill over there from my window could
easily be Fuji or Andes. As world collide and memories mush, I ask
myself where I want to be. What do I look for, the qualities that
enlighten my spirit's cravings. How can I pursues happiness, in what
form and shape does that mean for this spirit in this body?

Moments between waking up to reality, I linger in the mist of
possibility. Where would I like to be, whom would I ideally see? The
being whose face I cannot recognize, yet, whose palm I hold tightly
and whose spirit I love freely. It doesn't matter what form you come
in or where we'll met, because I trust myself to recognize you during
that moment of uncertainty.

I hope to use my AA miles for peru next jan or feb, seriously.

Machu picciu! here I come!

Makes J a busy gal, seriously though, what option is there other than working hard looking at my
-plane ticket
-train ticket
-shopping
-and oveall bills from traveling?

it's hasn't been easy, I escalate between feeling exhasted and just needing to lay and do nothing, to working so hard to save up for my next trip again. Sometimes I feel like june is "work like a machine" month, save up capital, pay back credit card, etc.

I am manifesting the lesson of being more observant and receptive of life instead of trying to control it. Just sent out an invitation to a dance party in LA next Friday, it's superfunny because instead of stressing over finding something everyone will like, I simply asked what people are already thinking about and worked from there, vola, no thinking and trying to please everyone on my part. Done.

Tonight my ex housemate will be doing a thai boxing match in some bar, I think I will go watch him in action. I still need to talk to the really cool girl I met in psych class the other day, I need more MA counseling track friends. I hope to get the address on children's center so I can donate my toys and put them to good use.

Trying very hard to not sink too low even when my funk mode gets to me. Paper, midterm, LA, can't think too much beyond that right now, yeah!

new picture attending the first EVER fire dance show, union sq sf

to japan, and I confused the heck out of the nice folks.

super mortified, at least I finally got to the right number.

LOL